Friday, November 23, 2012

Learning Things About Yourself: An Essay

As many of you might have read, my best friend Victoria over at Parfait Doll wrote the most excellent article about breaking up ever. With reading that, and coming to some terms of my own discovery, I have also reached to this point in my own world to where I need freedom. But freedom in what exactly? Freedom in so many different forms that can be expressed. I am a wild butterfly, that needs to fly in the sky. I jump from flower to flower often, hoping I am going to find the right petals to stay near and rest my tired wings. I feel that I am still in my stage of flight, and I need to keep flying until I have reached my destination. I am still searching for that destination. (WOW DALIN, way to be a cheeseball)

2012 has been a year in which I have made countless mistakes, and learned from each and every one of them. Mistakes in my romantic life, my career, and most importantly my self respect. I need a lot of things from the dream life I have. I am not asking them to be perfect, cause hell even dreams aren't actual perfect, I require some tough love and an argument about my life now and then. But what I want is something moderately close to the goal that is my dream life. So here I thought I would share those goals out of interest and for therapeutic reasons. Maybe you will find them helpful or interesting, you can find out for yourself.

First off, I would like to address the main topic at hand: My romantic life. To start off, 2012 I have had a lot of relationships come and go, and sadly a lot of that came from not talking to myself in a self respecting manner about what I actually want out of a relationship. Some people are looking for a incredible amount out of a relationship, and I never thought I was one of those people. I just wanted simple and honest loving. But, as one learns as they grow up, this isn't at all a reasonable request. You need to actively make some sort of list of the things you want out a relationship before you actually start a relationship with anyone for that matter.

The list must include at least 5 points of what in my mind is 100% must have requirements before you even go past the first date. I sadly over look these points sometimes, because I thought if we have similar interests in common and he is cute, then that is just the easy winning combination. This is 100% not a winning combination in any case, and this past year has taught me that on multiple occasions. So here, for reference, is my list:

There are more then this, but in a general without getting too wacky sort of deal, this is my list. Again, I am not expecting perfection, but after a ton of failed attempts, I deserve the real thing, eventually. But at the same time I don't plan on being in a monogamous relationship for a damn long time. I need time to spread my wings in romance and learning about myself as an adult before I am in the commitment game again. I am still refining the rules of the list so to speak, and that is something that I am going need a lot of time to sit down and think about. Hopefully dream boy will be out there, We can hope.
I have a confession to make: I don't think I look anywhere close to what I actually imagine myself looking like. Sure, I have a lot of cute things about me visually that I admire, but I still think I am way too much of a conservative version of myself then I give credit for. In my head, I am an alternative fairy with mint colored sections of hair, partially shaved in sections with lots of fun earrings and Sailor Moon tattoos. Right now my body is a completely clean canvas along with my hair being such a boring shade of dark brown, its getting so annoying to look at. So I am hoping, once I can get things in the right direction, that I can achieve some of these appearance changing goals. I can't put a specific date on any of these goals, but I definitely plan on buying a lot more wigs to experiment with that I want exactly to make sure I get it right. AND This includes being happy with myself from the inside, and preferably doing dances like this every morning

 Because at the end of the day, I need to be happy with my own self as a whole before I devote my happiness and time to someone else emotionally. If I can't find the right person to give that to PLUS not feeling like I am even me completely, then what am I doing? Not being true to myself. I need to find someone that respects me, crazy Pajama dances, frilly dresses and all, and yet I NEED TO RESPECT MYSELF crazy Pajama dances and all as well. So with all this, plus my decision to go back to school in 2013, I am not letting anything get in my way of figuring out who the real Dalin is. So if you happen to hear someone dancing like a nut to Judy Is A Punk, along with the rest of my Ramones discography, that would be me, and I don't apologize for the noise. 

So, what are you doing to improve yourself in the coming year? What are your feelings on romance? Give me the T. 


Kieli said...

I am so glad to hear that more and more women are taking the chance or rather, taking the opportunity now to just take a stand and declare to the world that "I am Me!". If you are with someone that doesn't make you feel happy with yourself or at a job that gives you decent pay but doesn't make you happy in what you do, you don't need that. I am happy to say that one of these things is not true and one day I will make my dream job. You want to be happy in this life and climbing over these hurdles are something we can do. One step at a time.



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